I'm not satisfied in this lifetime

"I'm following you to the other side, theres nothing that can change my mind. You're all I need."

"Now I think it's time to write a better chaper in my life, leaving all these things that keep me wrapped so tight."

"Why are we obsessed with possesions here on earth? Go and take a look at the flowers and the birds."

"Won't you save me from who i've been lately, cause I can't see living without you."

Sanctus Real

'Cause I'm on the up and up

"I'm on the up and up and I havent given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of."

I have potential. I know I'm good at the things I like, and that I can go places with them.
I am not really sure what my future has in store, and that's always been scary to me but it's not anymore. Whatever I decide and whatever works out is going to happen. Theres no way I can ever really know what that is. I don't get to pick it. It'll pick me and grab me by the hand and pull me along. I just weigh the options presented to me and sit back and enjoy the ride.


There's a flame inside my chest. It's love. It's passion. It's real. I feel like my life has turned into something I want it to be. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm not afraid of showing people who that is anymore either. I don't need to be. My intentions are good. My failures are learning experiences. I've got friends and family backing me up and showering me in their love and I love them back with everything I am and everything that I do. It's not fake either. I'm not just nice to them because being nice is the "nice"or the "right" thing" to do. I just love them. I think they're beautiful and interesting. I don't hate. I appreciate everyone and rescpect every opinion they have, whether it differs from mine or not.

I took Megan to church last night and afterwords we sat in my car for an hour talking. (without the ac on! ) It got a bit hot and uncomfortble but our conversations are always worth it. We talk about anything and everything and we're both pretty much on the same page. When you put us togehter I think we're capable of great things.

You never know exactly...

what is going on in the minds of those around you. No matter how close you feel to them.

I thought Joe and I were doing great in my last post and we broke up within a matter of days after I posted it.

I'm not really over it, it kind of was out of the blue for me. Here's part of a conversation I copied that my best friend and I had last night:

Me: lol but eh i feel a little conflicted by thinking that because i know i shouldnt have to wait around but like i dont know fuck it or something because fairy tales aren't always as pretty in real life. and i dont have much else to do. so i'll just hide my false hope under the rug or something.
Megan: well of course you aren't going to have things figured out right away, and you will feel conflicted. I think it's normal. and yeah you will still have that hope that maybe things will be different, but in the end sometimes they aren't different. and then you will have waited for something that meant nothing. but really you didn't lose anything by it. it was just a season of your life, and remember "this too shall pass"
Me: yeah so its okay to have that silly little hope deep down inside me? lol
Megan: uh yes. lol
Megan: i've been holding on to a lyric for a while, "I'm still carrying a little hope, that maybe, things could be different now. Is that so wrong?"
Me: who is it?
Megan: jimmy eat world.
Me: i see. yeah. i mean i cant get around it. but i feel bad about it. eh and maybe thats love. like real love and maybe real love isnt always your soul mate or who you are supposed to be with or whatever.
Megan: real love doesn't have to be with your soul mate. atleast I don't think it does.
Megan: I think real love is for anyone.
Me: well i always want to think love last forever and that makes me think you can only have one but maybe you can love more than one forever and if i cant have him the way i want him i love him regaurdless no matter how much it hurts

What's meant to be will find it's way.

... whatever that is.

Senior Year

I am a senior, finally. I have been for 3 weeks, and it's already turning out to be a good year. Here is a picture of me on the first day that I've been meaning to post:

I think I'm going to do a lot of documenting this year with my camera. I've been taking at least one photo every day for most of the year, It was going to be for a photo calendar we planned to put in the yearbook, but we scratched the idea. I already had about a week's worth of photos and I didn't want to give up on the idea so I plan to make a photo album on myspace with the pictures that I take everyday... hopefully one day I will be able to print them all out and make a scrapbook. I have a notebook where I write the captions for every day. We'll see how this project turns out.

Yearbook is my favorite class. It's a very good match for me. I love creating! Mrs. Ruyle decided I would be The Business Manager and also a Photo Editor. I'm so stoked for yearbook and our theme. We voted on a collage theme, which means we need a ton of photos. I've been taking my camera everywhere I go pretty much and charging my batteries about twice a week. I've been going to a lot of football games and getting some good shots. The Southwestern Journal has been using my photos for their sports section. They didn't credit me last week (which was kind of upsetting), but they assured me they will this week. If they fail I will probably stop sending photos. Here is a sample:



I've been spending a lot of time with my best friend. :)




For awhile I was afraid we were falling apart, but now I'm feeling pretty comfortable with our friendship. I love her; I love us. We dream and believe, and I think we are going to be everything we want sooner or later. Whatever we end up wanting, and however we get there. I have so much fun with her and my other friends. It's soo good to be young and in love with life.



and then there is the boyfriend:




He's most the the reason I've been going to so many football games. He has practice every single day after school, so our hang out time has been crunched to once or twice a week. That was hard at first, but I'm really comfortable with him and our relationship now. I feel like he wants it to work out as much as I do. He really is a great guy. I didn't know him all that well before we were dating, but he's quickly become one of my favorite people. I'm so defensive when people talk bad about him in anyway.

I will wrap this up.

All is well.

I'm excited to see what every day brings.