Note, Noted

To my active followers, Megan, Hannah, Kristen:

I do read most, if not all, of your blogs. I like to keep up with what is happening in your lives. I don't always have the time to reply and most often I just don't really know what to reply, I'm so open minded that I don't know what to tell you guys sometimes. Not only that but I see life as a constant ebb and flow, I believe the dark and light times kind of flow together, so if you are trying to get my attention with a certain mood and dark time you are in it's likely that I may not give it the attention that you want me to and not even realize, but I do follow and keep up with what you write. I hope it's not offensive that I don't reply often. I feel hurt if you feel like I don't care. The truth is I am going through a dark time too though, I broke down in tears almost every day last week. Ben and I even came across the conclusion that it would be beneficial for me to start seeing a counselor again. I keep getting upset because I feel like I should be being a better friend but I can barely deal with my life situation right now. I'm going through a monumental change and is tearing me apart. I feel like I should be helping you get through your problems but I cannot deal with my own, not only that but I feel like knowing about what is going on in my life makes you afraid to mention your problems. IF you are specifically trying to address me or really want me to reply to something contact me directly please and I will be much more likely to give you what you want. Not only that but my life is a whirlwind, I am almost always busy during the school year. I barley can find the time to do my homework. I'm still catching up on my math from last week. I have 3 assignments to go.

Please just note that I am probably in one of the darkest times of my life right now. I'm struggling with my family- being pulled between my parents, school- and all the stress it brings, money- not having a job and my parents are broke right now due to all that is going on I've been paying for a lot of my own things, conditioned behavior, living arrangements-moving into a two bedroom apartment for 3 people to live in, food- I've only been eating 1 or 2 meals a day because my dad is new to shopping and I don't have money to eat out, household chores, helping my sister and trying to get her mind off things, along with struggling with, depression, irrational thoughts, thoughts of self harm, denial, anxiety, and decision making. I don't think you can really understand because I try not to break down around you and I butter it up so that you don't have to worry about me sometimes. Ugh! and I hope I haven't made you worry now. I am going to start talking to a counselor, LCCC offers free counseling and Ben already got the information about it for me. Please just know that I am always here and I do care about you even when things get hard for me.

Non-Western Art

is really fascinating. I'm so happy to learn about other cultures and religions and the traditions that go with them. I feel educated with all the fear of Islam our country has right now and very against it because I know so much. I've so glad the Qur'an was not burned, I think that was such a stupid idea, there are millions of innocent Muslims that are very nice people, why offend them? And who ever won anyone over by burning their beliefs? I got so upset when I heard about the whole thing. Anyway. We are talking about Africa now and I just love the African artwork. The huge masquerades they have are so amazing. I got to see a real African mask dancer yesterday and he was so good, and so funny, not knowing American customs all that well. Look how big and impressive the masks they wear are:

My first article

= published = success.

I get paid on the 30th, and I have 3 articles next month.

Look at our pretty cover design!

2 months down the road

It's been two months since my mom moved out. That's a lot of time for thinking. I believe that my mom didn't have a sexual affair, but I do think she had an affair. I don't think she would lie to me about that, and I know that she is a good person. She filled out an application for an apartment in Brighton. It's really close to where Ben lives. She will know if she got it tomorrow. It's a nice apartment, but it only has 2 bedrooms, but we are going to borrow a futon from Mel if she gets it so that she, Jen, and I will all have a place to sleep. Money will be tight for awhile since we have to pay the down payment and the first months payment, and for things to put in the apartment. I think it will be a blessing if we get it though.

That brings me to where I am right now:
Every weekend I go to my grandma's house and take my sister to go see our mom, so that makes it harder to make plans for weekends with friends sometimes. I spend the night there even though we are one bed short and I have to sleep on the couch. Through the week though, I go to school (which has been going well) and I live with dad. Living with my dad is difficult. He doesn't realize how selfish and demanding he can be. I honestly feel like a slave sometimes. I've been doing a lot more with my sister lately. This week we have been working on decorating her locker since she just got one and started middle school. We made a pencil holder and bought wrapping paper to use as wall paper. We got some for her friend Taylor too and made her a pencil holder as well and we are going to go fix the lockers up tomorrow. Going back to Southwestern with Jenna is a strange feeling. I miss it almost but something inside me tells me I don't belong there anymore. Lewis and Clark really is a good school. I know a lot of people think negatively of it, but I love it. It feels almost like high school I feel like my classes are like family. I've begun to open up to some of my classmates. Most of them are very nice people. The other day in basic design everyone at my table was talking about my design and saying what they liked about it and just making funny comments. We compared it to things it made us think of and then we talked about the balance and I remember feeling like we were all there for one another to help. I thought that my art spoke louder than I did, because I'm one of the more shy people at my table but after we talked about my design everyone started including me in their conversations. Ben and I are still doing very well. With him working and me going to school we've been seeing a little less of each other, but we still have fun together. He is so sweet and nice to me. We have been dating for almost a year now. :) We keep talking about the future lately, and about living together. We aren't going to for a long time nor will we be able but it's fun to talk about, we are so much alike an we talk about all the things we would want in our house, to name a few: every type of tea imaginable, green olives, artichoke hearts, more vegetables than meat, candles, and pictures that we've taken. I want to decorate where ever I live only with art made by local artist, because I believe strongly in supporting local talent over recognized talent. I went to the Grafton Art Fair yesterday and it was a lot of fun, and there were so many neat things. I even saw Darlene Harris, she was in my drawing class over the summer and she had some of her drawings there. Now I'm just going to ramble... Jen and I just got done decorating the house for fall/halloween! It's very cute with pumpkins and colors like red and orange and brown all over. I keep burning a spiced pear candle that smells terrific too! We've been making a lot of sweet treats as well like chocolate turtles and I just made chocolate peanut butter cup cookies! Yum! I love fall - even though we aren't there yet the weather is starting to fell wonderful. Ben is going to take wedding photos for a wedding next month! I'm so excited for him. I hope to get him business cards made as soon as I can. Also, he might be taking senior pictures for someone my mom works with whose son is a senior this year. Mom brought the pictures Ben took to work to show them off and I guess she did a good job because the lady is interested now. I'm going to make a price sheet for Ben too. =] I know how much he wants to be a photographer and how good he is at it so I am volunteering to be the kick in the butt that he needs.

Okay, I think that's enough. If you survived all that ramble congratulations. Hope to write again soon!

Oh yeah and I have a newspaper meeting on Monday and my first article will be out soon!

Nervosa

I'm a wreck. I have a lot of ups but my downs are deep. A few days ago I threw up due to nothing but worry. It gave new meaning to being "worried sick". I can't stand myself. I can't stand what i live.