Repressed memories.

Everyone gets imagery in their heads, like little day dreams. Sometimes I get really disturbing imagery. I get this image of my mom on your kitchen floor curled up in pain that pops up every now and then. She tells me she needs me to get the phone and I run down our hallway. I never wanted to tell anyone because I thought I made it up, but I didn't make it up, i just made myself forget it was real.

My whole life I've been unaware that it actually happened. My aunt set me a message telling me that I shouldn't be mad at my mom about the divorce thing and that I needed to remember the time when I was 5 years old and Jen was a baby and we came to her house. I had no clue what she was talking about but the imagery popped up again. I was sitting next to Ben when I read my aunt's message and I told him about the imagery because I knew he wouldn't be freaked out and I told him how I thought it might be what Mel was talking about but I didn't understand.

Later that week my mom talked to be about the divorce and explained what happened. Most of my childhood my dad had a huge alcohol problem. That part wasn't a surprise, I can remember us leaving the house and him throwing huge temper tantrums where he broke things and threw things at my mom. My mom told me one night he pushed her down our basement stairs. Then they were arguing in the kitchen where broken things were all over the floor including broken baby food jars that had been laying around because my sister was just a baby at the time. My dad pushed my mom and she fell on the broken jars. The jagged pieces of jar cut her ankle very badly, through the tendons, all the way to her bone. She was bleeding horribly but she had me call my aunt mel to tell her that we were coming to her house because we were not safe. Then she got up and hoped around and got me and jen into the car and took us to our aunts house. She had to go the emergency room after that. When the people there asked what happened she told them and they had to file a police report on my dad. She's since been with my dad for 15 years but she could never bring herself to forgive him. She showed me the scar on her ankle. I knew the scar and I've seen it many times. I can remember asking her how she got it when I was young - having totally forgotten then event - and she told me it was from our old dog.

I feel scared that I've made myself forget other things. I can't believe i completely pushed that whole event out of my memory. I think I understand some of my really harsh feelings for my dad a little better now that I know.

I've been dealing with more than I've ever dealt with lately. It's taken it's toll on me I feel stressed and grouchy and like a person I don't want to be. I hate that I keep canceling plans with my friends especially the ones that will be gone away to college soon, but hanging out with people is hard I get so stressed out taking care of everything around the house and last night I couldn't go to the movie night I wanted to go to because Ben showed up at my house and the second I saw him I started crying really hard because I knew I was going through too much to just show up at the movie night and pretend that everything was okay. I constantly worry that my friends won't understand why I can't hang out with them and they will start to get angry at me. Some of them don't text me back when I have to cancel plans at the last minute and it hurts to wonder if they are upset with me. If I could please them I would but my life has become too complicated. Everything turned upside down.

I'm stuck right in the middle of the divorce i hear everything from both sides. My head cannot process it all. I feel like I'm being lied to by my parents all kinds of things. I have no idea how far my mom's relationship with this other guy has gone. I have no idea how to feel about my mother or my father. It's hard taking care of everything around the house and trying to take care of my sister and support both of my parents emotionally. I have to set apart time to see my own mom because she doesn't live with me anymore. I've barley seen her in the past month. I have to worry about money and I've already start spending money I wanted to save just to take care of myself and my family. I don't feel like I'm ready for a job either because I'm about to start my first semester of college with more than a full time load of classes because I have to take a whole extra class to get free books so that I don't have to ask my parents for any more money than I have to.
On the plus side a have a job as a journalist/photo journalist for The Bridge (the Lewis and Clark newspaper) that I think is pretty much mine. I'll get paid for that and I'm sure I will enjoy it and also I'm taking senior pictures for Joe with Megan so hopefully I will have a little cash.

I just hope everything works out okay.