Yesterday was Easter.

I woke up to the familiar sound of yelling. fighting. My dad had come home drunk at 2 the night before and made my sister get out of her bed so he could sleep there. Mom had awoken and found her sleeping in the floor. If theres one person in this world that I hate it's my father, and I've had a lot of people wrong me in my lifetime. I started feeling anxious; I wanted to say something but knew it could only make them more mad.

I sucked it up and went to church with my mom and sister. There were a lot of people there who did not attend regularly, but when the band started up I looked around and couldn't find one person not singing. Almost everyone was clapping along, some even dancing. They looked passionate. They were feeling something. They were in it.

I remember thinking if theres anyway to get a message across to someone it's by music.

The night before I had gone to a trivia night with some friends and kept feeling ignored. We can back to my house and watched a movie and I cheered up and talked to my boyfriend, and after everyone left I started listening to City and Colour.

I played the song waiting, not knowing it very well. I listened to the lyrics.

"All your friends seem like enemies when you're broken down and empty."

then I remembered a quote by Autumn De Wilde

"No human being can be there for you the way a record can. I mean your friends are your friends and that's great, that's amazing if you're having a hard time-and i clearly know about this and this point of my life-but nothing can compare to putting on a record and grieving silently, or conversely, celebrating personally."

Had you ever cried because you felt alive?

Feeling alive is a lot to feel. It's all we know we have, really. I know my life on Earth is going to end, and i hope to God that day is far, far away because I have so much I want to do and see and to experience and feel. I have so much more love to give and even pain to feel, and I want it all. I love my life, every single part of it. It's beautiful and amazing. I am terrified to know that one day it will cease. Sometimes I find it hard to imagine that Heaven could be any better than this. I am in love with my friends and my family and my boyfriend. I love falling asleep and waking up next to people that I love. I love my house, this small town, and my shitty car. I love the air outside and I love nature and all the beauty that it has to offer me. I love staying up late and falling asleep in class. I love thinking. I love not having answers. I love procrastionating. I love it, I live it. It's beautiful, and amazing. I'm speechless and out of breath.