I think it's about time

to quit this blog. I'm tired of it, I barley post anything and I feel like it's become a place where people can point fingers without dropping names, I've done it too, and I guess it could be said that I am doing it now, but my motive by withholding is trying to keep some fractured peaceful feelings as well as trying not to make a scene. When you write about people, even if you don't include their name it can be easily inferred who you are talking about, and I feel like that's happened to me more than once and I can recall at least one time of doing it myself. I don't want to take part in it anymore. If you have a problem with me or something I do, just talk to me, I'll be honest. That's how friendship works. I will probably check blogger occasionally, but I think I am done. I'll keep my tumblr accounts where I will write a little, but they will be primarily photo blogs. If you are angry with me talk to me. If you want to talk to me, talk to me on facebook, I love you all and I'm here.

Heritage Days

This month I wrote an article on Heritage Days at Lewis and Clark. It's on the front page! I took all the photos in the articles too. I can't wait for the issue to come out (it get's printed today). Heritage Days was really cool and fun so I thought I'd share my article and some pictures:


On September 25th and 26th Lewis and Clark took a step back in time. The campus was home to Heritage Days. Heritage Days is a living history festival designed take guest back in time to the 1700-1840 time period. This year marked the 31st celebration of this annual event.
Heritage days featured various sorts of crafts. Guest had the opportunity to make bows, much like the ones used by early settlers for hunting. There was also rug braiding and rugs available for sale, and presentations on natural dying. There were live cannon demonstrations and story telling, along with wood carving, and a voyager canoe.
Traditional food was also available. This included tasty treats such as turkey legs, corn in the husk, homemade soup, and pumpkin rolls.
All participants dressed in traditional clothing from the 1700s-1840s. Old dresses, military coats and trousers were plenty. Dancers preformed and period musicians played to help the guest get a feel for the time they had taken a step back into.
The event was held by Alton Heritage Days, Inc. They are a non-profit organization whose goal is to educate the public in the customs, manners, clothing, food, and tools used by the early settlers of the 1700-1840. They did just that participants and guest alike left with an exciting experience and better understanding of the life of an early settler.

Everything that changed had stayed the same

I probably like tumblr better because I'd rather not write blogs about all the bad things happening in my life, I just want to forget about them. Like my dad kicked me out of my house this weekend and took my house key and car key and told me to get out and not to come back, why? because he asked me what I was going to tell the lawyers when I saw them, my mom had to pick me up with bags in my hands and tears in my eyes. Then I found out she went out with the guy she was having an affair with and I think she was trying to keep it from me. I had a huge break down, and felt like I couldn't trust either of my parents and that I had nowhere to go. Ben and I left the apartment and came back and my mom told us she was calling the police because of some stuff my dad was texting her. So the cops showed up at our apartment. And all that was just Saturday.

My mom talked to me and we have more clear rules now. I told her what I didn't feel okay with her doing.
Uhm and all the bad things I thought my dad might be doing I found out were true, even the ones he got mad at me for telling people and told me he wasn't doing.

Note, Noted

To my active followers, Megan, Hannah, Kristen:

I do read most, if not all, of your blogs. I like to keep up with what is happening in your lives. I don't always have the time to reply and most often I just don't really know what to reply, I'm so open minded that I don't know what to tell you guys sometimes. Not only that but I see life as a constant ebb and flow, I believe the dark and light times kind of flow together, so if you are trying to get my attention with a certain mood and dark time you are in it's likely that I may not give it the attention that you want me to and not even realize, but I do follow and keep up with what you write. I hope it's not offensive that I don't reply often. I feel hurt if you feel like I don't care. The truth is I am going through a dark time too though, I broke down in tears almost every day last week. Ben and I even came across the conclusion that it would be beneficial for me to start seeing a counselor again. I keep getting upset because I feel like I should be being a better friend but I can barely deal with my life situation right now. I'm going through a monumental change and is tearing me apart. I feel like I should be helping you get through your problems but I cannot deal with my own, not only that but I feel like knowing about what is going on in my life makes you afraid to mention your problems. IF you are specifically trying to address me or really want me to reply to something contact me directly please and I will be much more likely to give you what you want. Not only that but my life is a whirlwind, I am almost always busy during the school year. I barley can find the time to do my homework. I'm still catching up on my math from last week. I have 3 assignments to go.

Please just note that I am probably in one of the darkest times of my life right now. I'm struggling with my family- being pulled between my parents, school- and all the stress it brings, money- not having a job and my parents are broke right now due to all that is going on I've been paying for a lot of my own things, conditioned behavior, living arrangements-moving into a two bedroom apartment for 3 people to live in, food- I've only been eating 1 or 2 meals a day because my dad is new to shopping and I don't have money to eat out, household chores, helping my sister and trying to get her mind off things, along with struggling with, depression, irrational thoughts, thoughts of self harm, denial, anxiety, and decision making. I don't think you can really understand because I try not to break down around you and I butter it up so that you don't have to worry about me sometimes. Ugh! and I hope I haven't made you worry now. I am going to start talking to a counselor, LCCC offers free counseling and Ben already got the information about it for me. Please just know that I am always here and I do care about you even when things get hard for me.

Non-Western Art

is really fascinating. I'm so happy to learn about other cultures and religions and the traditions that go with them. I feel educated with all the fear of Islam our country has right now and very against it because I know so much. I've so glad the Qur'an was not burned, I think that was such a stupid idea, there are millions of innocent Muslims that are very nice people, why offend them? And who ever won anyone over by burning their beliefs? I got so upset when I heard about the whole thing. Anyway. We are talking about Africa now and I just love the African artwork. The huge masquerades they have are so amazing. I got to see a real African mask dancer yesterday and he was so good, and so funny, not knowing American customs all that well. Look how big and impressive the masks they wear are:

My first article

= published = success.

I get paid on the 30th, and I have 3 articles next month.

Look at our pretty cover design!

2 months down the road

It's been two months since my mom moved out. That's a lot of time for thinking. I believe that my mom didn't have a sexual affair, but I do think she had an affair. I don't think she would lie to me about that, and I know that she is a good person. She filled out an application for an apartment in Brighton. It's really close to where Ben lives. She will know if she got it tomorrow. It's a nice apartment, but it only has 2 bedrooms, but we are going to borrow a futon from Mel if she gets it so that she, Jen, and I will all have a place to sleep. Money will be tight for awhile since we have to pay the down payment and the first months payment, and for things to put in the apartment. I think it will be a blessing if we get it though.

That brings me to where I am right now:
Every weekend I go to my grandma's house and take my sister to go see our mom, so that makes it harder to make plans for weekends with friends sometimes. I spend the night there even though we are one bed short and I have to sleep on the couch. Through the week though, I go to school (which has been going well) and I live with dad. Living with my dad is difficult. He doesn't realize how selfish and demanding he can be. I honestly feel like a slave sometimes. I've been doing a lot more with my sister lately. This week we have been working on decorating her locker since she just got one and started middle school. We made a pencil holder and bought wrapping paper to use as wall paper. We got some for her friend Taylor too and made her a pencil holder as well and we are going to go fix the lockers up tomorrow. Going back to Southwestern with Jenna is a strange feeling. I miss it almost but something inside me tells me I don't belong there anymore. Lewis and Clark really is a good school. I know a lot of people think negatively of it, but I love it. It feels almost like high school I feel like my classes are like family. I've begun to open up to some of my classmates. Most of them are very nice people. The other day in basic design everyone at my table was talking about my design and saying what they liked about it and just making funny comments. We compared it to things it made us think of and then we talked about the balance and I remember feeling like we were all there for one another to help. I thought that my art spoke louder than I did, because I'm one of the more shy people at my table but after we talked about my design everyone started including me in their conversations. Ben and I are still doing very well. With him working and me going to school we've been seeing a little less of each other, but we still have fun together. He is so sweet and nice to me. We have been dating for almost a year now. :) We keep talking about the future lately, and about living together. We aren't going to for a long time nor will we be able but it's fun to talk about, we are so much alike an we talk about all the things we would want in our house, to name a few: every type of tea imaginable, green olives, artichoke hearts, more vegetables than meat, candles, and pictures that we've taken. I want to decorate where ever I live only with art made by local artist, because I believe strongly in supporting local talent over recognized talent. I went to the Grafton Art Fair yesterday and it was a lot of fun, and there were so many neat things. I even saw Darlene Harris, she was in my drawing class over the summer and she had some of her drawings there. Now I'm just going to ramble... Jen and I just got done decorating the house for fall/halloween! It's very cute with pumpkins and colors like red and orange and brown all over. I keep burning a spiced pear candle that smells terrific too! We've been making a lot of sweet treats as well like chocolate turtles and I just made chocolate peanut butter cup cookies! Yum! I love fall - even though we aren't there yet the weather is starting to fell wonderful. Ben is going to take wedding photos for a wedding next month! I'm so excited for him. I hope to get him business cards made as soon as I can. Also, he might be taking senior pictures for someone my mom works with whose son is a senior this year. Mom brought the pictures Ben took to work to show them off and I guess she did a good job because the lady is interested now. I'm going to make a price sheet for Ben too. =] I know how much he wants to be a photographer and how good he is at it so I am volunteering to be the kick in the butt that he needs.

Okay, I think that's enough. If you survived all that ramble congratulations. Hope to write again soon!

Oh yeah and I have a newspaper meeting on Monday and my first article will be out soon!

Nervosa

I'm a wreck. I have a lot of ups but my downs are deep. A few days ago I threw up due to nothing but worry. It gave new meaning to being "worried sick". I can't stand myself. I can't stand what i live.

I need to read more Vonnegut

"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that i know of, babies: God damn it, you've got to be kind." -Kurt Vonnegut

For mom's birthday

I had Ben take pictures of me and Jenna to give her since dad took all the pictures of me and my sister out of the house to keep them from her. They are so good I want to share them but I can't post this on facebbook until after mom's birthday so here is a peak:

Life on Mars?

The cure for the pain is in the pain

I am absolutely tired of the words "stand strong". No one has a clue what I am dealing with and I pray they never will. Not only that I feel like they say it because they feel like they are supposed to. I don't think anyone really even knows that that means. I am dealing with a huge amount of traumatic experiences. Theres the divorce, my mom's affair with a guy she continues to talk to, worry that my dad won't find a place to live, the stress of doing things around the house and caring for my sister, and finding out about my dad having hurt my mom. There is no stranding strong. Those are not words of wisdom for me they are words that only add to my stress. I break down all the time, I would lose my mind if I didn't. How is crying almost everyday for standing strong? How is not hanging out with my friends because I'm crying for standing strong? Crying is the only thing that helps. It makes me mad to think that people don't want me crying. When I think of what people want me to do when they say stand strong I feel like it would be a holding in all the hurt and emotion I am feeling. I would never get over any of it if I stood strong. I have to feel the hurt, I have to let myself feel the hurt. If I ever want to get over the situation I have to accept it.

"The cure for the pain is in the pain so that is where you'll find me."

Repressed memories.

Everyone gets imagery in their heads, like little day dreams. Sometimes I get really disturbing imagery. I get this image of my mom on your kitchen floor curled up in pain that pops up every now and then. She tells me she needs me to get the phone and I run down our hallway. I never wanted to tell anyone because I thought I made it up, but I didn't make it up, i just made myself forget it was real.

My whole life I've been unaware that it actually happened. My aunt set me a message telling me that I shouldn't be mad at my mom about the divorce thing and that I needed to remember the time when I was 5 years old and Jen was a baby and we came to her house. I had no clue what she was talking about but the imagery popped up again. I was sitting next to Ben when I read my aunt's message and I told him about the imagery because I knew he wouldn't be freaked out and I told him how I thought it might be what Mel was talking about but I didn't understand.

Later that week my mom talked to be about the divorce and explained what happened. Most of my childhood my dad had a huge alcohol problem. That part wasn't a surprise, I can remember us leaving the house and him throwing huge temper tantrums where he broke things and threw things at my mom. My mom told me one night he pushed her down our basement stairs. Then they were arguing in the kitchen where broken things were all over the floor including broken baby food jars that had been laying around because my sister was just a baby at the time. My dad pushed my mom and she fell on the broken jars. The jagged pieces of jar cut her ankle very badly, through the tendons, all the way to her bone. She was bleeding horribly but she had me call my aunt mel to tell her that we were coming to her house because we were not safe. Then she got up and hoped around and got me and jen into the car and took us to our aunts house. She had to go the emergency room after that. When the people there asked what happened she told them and they had to file a police report on my dad. She's since been with my dad for 15 years but she could never bring herself to forgive him. She showed me the scar on her ankle. I knew the scar and I've seen it many times. I can remember asking her how she got it when I was young - having totally forgotten then event - and she told me it was from our old dog.

I feel scared that I've made myself forget other things. I can't believe i completely pushed that whole event out of my memory. I think I understand some of my really harsh feelings for my dad a little better now that I know.

I've been dealing with more than I've ever dealt with lately. It's taken it's toll on me I feel stressed and grouchy and like a person I don't want to be. I hate that I keep canceling plans with my friends especially the ones that will be gone away to college soon, but hanging out with people is hard I get so stressed out taking care of everything around the house and last night I couldn't go to the movie night I wanted to go to because Ben showed up at my house and the second I saw him I started crying really hard because I knew I was going through too much to just show up at the movie night and pretend that everything was okay. I constantly worry that my friends won't understand why I can't hang out with them and they will start to get angry at me. Some of them don't text me back when I have to cancel plans at the last minute and it hurts to wonder if they are upset with me. If I could please them I would but my life has become too complicated. Everything turned upside down.

I'm stuck right in the middle of the divorce i hear everything from both sides. My head cannot process it all. I feel like I'm being lied to by my parents all kinds of things. I have no idea how far my mom's relationship with this other guy has gone. I have no idea how to feel about my mother or my father. It's hard taking care of everything around the house and trying to take care of my sister and support both of my parents emotionally. I have to set apart time to see my own mom because she doesn't live with me anymore. I've barley seen her in the past month. I have to worry about money and I've already start spending money I wanted to save just to take care of myself and my family. I don't feel like I'm ready for a job either because I'm about to start my first semester of college with more than a full time load of classes because I have to take a whole extra class to get free books so that I don't have to ask my parents for any more money than I have to.
On the plus side a have a job as a journalist/photo journalist for The Bridge (the Lewis and Clark newspaper) that I think is pretty much mine. I'll get paid for that and I'm sure I will enjoy it and also I'm taking senior pictures for Joe with Megan so hopefully I will have a little cash.

I just hope everything works out okay.

Drug Through Hell

And just when I start accepting the fact that my parents are getting divorced. A woman shows up at our door asking for dad. Jen over hears her talking about pictures of mom. Dad comes back inside and I ask what is going on and he said mom was having an affair. My heart sank. I couldn't contain my anxiety I shook and called Ben and then Megan and neither of them answered. The lady told my dad she was at her ex-husband's house right then. Me, my sister, and my dad drive over to the address she gave us. Sure enough there is mom's car. We knock on the door. Dad yells "Misty, your kids want to see you." I heard mom yell from inside. I kept knocking and knock pounding on the guys door. I can see the door budge in a little with every hit and I just keep pounding harder and harder, but dad tells me to stop. So I cease. Then mom comes out. She wasn't even crying or anything and she kept saying "that's is not what it is" I'll never forget her face. I yelled at her. My sister starts crying. My dad is beyond disappointed he yells at her and calls her a slut and a whore as we get back in the car. We get back home and I call her multiple time just yelling and bashing. I lash out. I honestly yelled at her more than my dad, I see him cry all the time because she wants to divorce him and now we know why. If that isn't enough I go back inside and I get a sudden realization. A few nights before we went out to eat and there was a guy there mom acting like she hadn't seen him since high school and then he tells us he is a truck driver and mom ask the quickest way to the zoo because we are going there the next day and he tells us to just follow him and he'll take his son. I thought it was all kind of weird. So I remember that guy's name is Tom and I ask dad what the guy's name mom was seeing was and he replies "Tom Sumpter" so I blurt out everything that happened and apologize for not telling him because I didn't think anything of it really. My mom actually had this guy meet her when we went out to eat. It was entirely planned and she lied to us the entire time. Dad pulled out her yearbook and sure enough Tom Sumpter was waiting in there, looking the same as he does now. I called her and yelled more. I've been sending mean things to her for days now. Yesterday she started crying on the phone with me. I cried on my bed and my dad came in. He asked what happened and I told him mom got mad at me and cried on the phone and he held me and told me she was only feeling guilty and that I didn't do anything wrong. Eh and the day it happened I posted it on facebook, because I wanted her to be embarrassed I wanted other people to know all of the pain she put me, her own daughter, through. I still don't feel that bad about that either, but I deleted it because she told me to. If she couldn't live with the guilt then why did she do it? She told my dad me posting stuff on there really hurt her character, but none of what I posted was a lie. She just won't own up to what she did. I woke up yesterday and my computer was out of my room I went to the kitchen and found it and asked dad if he used it and he said that he had and that he needed me to get some stuff off of it. He had got on my facebook page and sent mom another post on her wall from my name saying "My mom's a slut. We caught her at her boyfriend's house." Before I got to delete it mom saw it. I still haven't told her that was dad. I'm pretty sure that my mom continues to lie to me about the whole story. I think she may even be in denial. But she hurt me, and I'm still angry with her and I still have not forgiven her. The wounds are still fresh and they still burn like hell. I can't stand the thought of her or this man. Apparently she talked to him on facebook too, and he clearly knew she was married. I feel like my heart is black and full of hatred right now. I have to see her tonight and listen to what she wants to tell me, but she has no idea of the pain she's put me through. How much I cannot stand her right now. Talking to her will make the wounds bleed fresh, and I feel like she's already put me through enough.

Where I've been

• Create your own travel map or travel blog


• Vacation rentals at TripAdvisor

If you would come back home

Scarring the beautiful ones

My mom told my dad she didn't have feelings for him, and then she moved out. She took my sister, but I'm here staying alone with dad. He's been crying constantly, and when he cries I cry. It's hard not to feel angry at mom when I see how unaffected she acts and how torn apart my dad is. I told him I would stay here with him. I have to take complete care of myself and my dad now. It's rough. He thinks mom had planned out the entire thing. The house was just payed off this month and we've done a ton of home improvements in the last year. Dad tells me that they are going to get divorced and that he can feel it. He said that all their other fights have streamed from mom not having feelings for him. He told me he would have to ask her to hug him and then she did it half heartedly. He said he was sorry that they were not an example of a healthy loving relationship. Before mom left he told her that if she left again they were getting divorced and she's been gone for a few days now. I saw her for a bit last night but barely talked to her. She knows I'm upset with her. I didn't even know anything was wrong until she moved out and it was out of the blue. I woke up one morning and I was going to use her straightener but all of her things were gone from her bathroom. I looked in Jen's room and dad was sitting on the bed talking to her and I knew something was up - even if they were just talking about the pool. Then I called mom and asked if she was doing anything after work and she said she was going to grandmas and that meant something was wrong. I never understood what divorce felt like until now. Other people would talk about it and it seemed bad but I never really understood how much it hurts everyone, and how hopeless it feels to be a victim. This could change my entire life, if they divorce nothing is going to be the same. I can't even stand the thought of my parents being with other people. How do you deal with that. I don't want to be the rope in a tug of war when it comes to seeing my parents.

Last night when I came home dad was talking but I could barley made out his words. He drank all day. Even after I figured out what he was saying it didn't make any sense. He kept asking me to write "Thanks for being a team player" and when I didn't he got mad. Then I started walking down stairs because I didn't feel safe and he stared talking again but I couldn't make out what he was saying so i asked him what he said. He told me he wasn't talking to me but we were the only ones in the house and then he started talking to someone named Julian who wasn't there. I went to the basement and talked to ben on the phone when I came back up he was asleep sitting up on the couch. I went in the kitchen and everything from under out sink was spread out on the floor, including 3 bottles of alcohol. There were eggs left out on the counter. I picked up the eggs and got a pillow and blanket and but it on the couch for my dad.

He gets sad and he cries and he holds me and I hold him and our tears soak up in each others skin.

Silly/Intersting fourth of July

Why can't we be friends?

I hate feeling weird separations in a group of friends. I wish everyone got along. I hate feel excluded or part of a different little group that exist in a bigger group. I hate not being invited to things. I hate when people hold grudges.

I wish we as humans could see how much we need to get over ourselves, and love one another. We'd have a much more enjoyable time.

Cool beans

I just think this is hilarious:

Short, dark, curly hair.

I've decided I love it, especially on these celebs

Annie Clark:

[dressed down]



[dressed up]


Regina Spektor:


[dressed down]



[dressed up]

Oh and Angelia Jolie!


I want to embrace my natural curl, plus my hair is getting damaged from so much heat. Hopefully, I follow through. I still wish I had nice long hair. in due time :,/

What has love become?

What has music become?
It's repulsive what kids are exposed to now.
Ben's mom said the kids at the school she works at sing this song, and it was preformed live on the kids choice awards.
I find that disturbing.

and I hate that this video was released, i'm sure kids all over the world will be seeing it:



If that's where music is going I'm not sure I can follow it.

Go to sleep

I keep waking up and not being able to fall back asleep. I usually have no problem falling asleep when ever I want. :/

Temper Trapped.

We saw them in concert.
The lead singer touched my hand.
He has a heavenly voice.
We also stole these:



Lot's of fun.
After that we got hit on at Quick Trip.
That happens a to us a lot?

Henna

I got a henna tattoo from a girl from Africa!
We tired to speak French with her throughout the night.

And I hung out with Megan, Sam, and Hannah!

I now have a tumblr account too!

http://joseagape.tumblr.com/

May 2010 Playlist

So, I graduated...

The last essay I'll write in high school

The final essay for my english 4 honors class.


The years spent in high school are truly defining years for each and every person. It may seem like a mundane drag while it's going on, but I doubt one person can completely erase the journey from their mind when it's over. Like every journey it has it's ups and it's downs, it's highs and lows. Now that my high school journey is wrapping up and coming to an end, I can only remember good things about it, or at least things that brought good in some shape or form. I know I'll never be able to forget it as long as I live. This journey has given me a lot to take with me to the next part of my life. It's turned me into the person I've become and the person I will be is going to continue to be built off the memories made here and what they've taught me.
One of the most important things I learned during my journey was how important friends and family are. During all the downs of my journey there were people there to help me back up. Sometimes lifting yourself up is extremely hard hard and other people can offer help. I had times where I tried to cheer myself up and failed terribly but every time a friend or family member talked me through, I was fine and happy again shortly. Looking back all the downs and lows were a lot to have tried to handle on my own. Not only did those wonderful people help me through the lows but they made the highlights of my high school career so much better. They shared many laughs with me and jokes that I doubt I could ever forget as long as I live. I'm extremely thankful to have such kindhearted people backing me up and keeping me going.
The next lesson high school taught me was there is no way to accurately judge a person before meeting them. I met hundreds of new people during the four years I spent in high school. I always formed some sort of opinion about them before meeting them, and I still do, but I've realized my

opinions tend to be extremely wrong. People are too complex to overgeneralize. No person is completely good nor completely bad. We just like to think in black and white. Don't think that you have a person figured out, people will surprise you all the time.
The last thing high school showed me was the importance of an open mind. I entertained thoughts that I'd never even heard about before. I learned how to think for myself and form my own opinions. I no longer relied on my parents. As a person I gained my independence. I think that will stick with me in the years to come. I broke out of my comfort shell and questioned myself and the things surrounding me. Everyone has to make the transition to becoming their own person, and there is no better time then high school.
All three lessons are things I will take with me when I leave Southwestern. I've grown a lot as a person and made a lot of friends during the past four years here. It's going to be hard to leave. I don't think I could have picked a better school with better people to see five days a week bright and early. I'll always be a piasa bird at heart, even if my life takes me places where people have no idea what a piasa bird is.

Haircut

I got my hair cut, and it turned out nothing like I wanted it. I really wanted something different but not what I got. My bangs were cut awkwardly the first day they were all the same length and only on one side. I spent the day self conscious and crying. Hair is a big deal for me it's kind of an emotional blanket that I can hide under, and it was taken away. I wanted my bangs long and side swept not just cut all the same length on one side and short. I also go highlights and I regret that as well. I've decided to get the highlights colored over and let the bangs and my hair grow long after this.

I ended up trimming my own hair before I went to school on Monday. That actually went really well. I got more of an angle and side swept look like I wanted. This video helped:


Fixing Too Short Bangs -- powered by eHow.com

Here are some pictures of my short hair. It's not absolutely horrible by any means but it doesn't feel like me.

Nightmare/Porch/Agape

I went to see Nightmare on Elm Street last night. That was fun. I thought it was pretty good. I was a little different from the original but I still liked it. I turned my eyes on a lot of the gory scenes because I'm still terrified of blood. I have no idea what caused that. I never used to be afraid of blood. We went with Charlie and Jenny. Then we ran into Kristen, Britney, and Sam!

Eh but before Ben and I went to his house and sat on his porch. His mom had talked about kind of easing me into the house - I haven't been around Tim since we Ben and I started dating. We sat on the porch waiting for her to get home from the store to ask if now was a good time to hang out in the house for a little while. Once she got home Ben went inside and I guess him was downstairs out of his room, which is pretty unusual. He felt so uncomfortable that he had to type the question out on his phone to show his mom "Josie is on the porch. Can she come in?" His mom said no. He came out pretty upset but he told me we would talk about it once we left and he brought me stir fry out to eat. I ate it as fast as I could because I didn't know what was going on. He went back in and in front of Tim his mom said "Do you have your girlfriend on the porch?" Ben said yes angrily and left. He said Tim had a funny look on his face. Ben was upset for awhile. I don't know what's going on. I guess we'll see.

Agape is tonight and I'm extremely tired. The skies are already a dark gray, agape weather. :P We're tie dying shirts in yearbook today. :) I made cookies for fiesta friday too!

life is...

Ben and I kind of got in our first argument/fight type deal. I think it's impossible for us to stay mad at each other. I actually think fighting made me like him even more. We're incredibly alike, so much it's weird. We basically can read each others minds and just know what the other will do. After we fought we talked about a lot of things that i've never told anyone before. I felt incredibly connected. All of that being said we did get very angry/upset, we just talked it out.

Senior year is coming to an end, and i'm ready for it. My college classes end in two weeks and my high school classes end in three. I may or may not try to get a job. I have a decent amount of money right now from Easter and Rudy's senior pictures. I can't wait to stop being stressed with school work, it's been overwhelming lately.

Ben got a job and may be getting an apartment. I hope it all works out well for him. If the apartment works out it will me him and Charlie. I want to half live there. It could help me keep my sanity while living at home with my parents.

We've been changing the house around a ton. The backroom is actually almost completely clean. It's going to be my room and I can't wait!

Oh, also Ben and I went to the Jacoby Art's Center for the LCCC Art Show. We thought the work from the Lewis and Clark students could have been better, but that kind of made us feel better about us being successful in art fields. We want to become members there and take classes eventually.

I feel like i've done a lot of growing up this year. I've become much more independent. It was almost lonely. I started college before all of my friends and I felt like I grew apart from a lot of them. I'm completely convinced I'm doing something right though. I really like Lewis and Clark and next year people I know will be going there. Even though I felt like I was losing touch with some of my old friends I made some new ones I realized today like Lexy Brueggerman, Jenna Moulton, and Tj McNew, I feel like I've become pretty good friends with all of them. Next week a bunch of activities are planned for seniors. I can't wait. We have a really awesome class full of some amazing people. It'll be hard to leave but also incredibly right. After that there is prom! I'm in love with the Willy Wonka theme! After that I graduate!

I'm so excited about planning my graduation party, seriously. I've already picked out recipes I want to try and decided a lot about it. I want it to be outdoors with a spring theme. I want things like kites, sidewalk chalk, bubbles, maybe even water balloons, basically everything good? Next step is the invitations, even thought i've made it into an event on facebook I need to send out a few.

I've already got my graduation present. A MACBOOK PRO. I'm using it right now. It's beautiful and amazing. I'm very glad to have it.

Ben and have been on a movie watching kick. I watched nightmare on elm street for the first time. It's was really good. I feel like I need more scary movies in my life. Tonight we got the corpse bride from the library, only the disk is damaged. What we watched was really good and I really want to finish it sometime. We watched Edward Scissorhands after that. That movie is soo good. I love watching movies with Ben because we joke the whole time we're watching them and make side comments and connect. Then we sat in my car in front of his house and talked for a long time. He was supposed to go hang out with Charlie but he had to text him and tell him that he would be late because we got into talking. Poor Charlie.

Next weekend is Agape! I'm very excited of course.
Paper Route!?

Ben Folds

DIY ideas I want to not lose:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WF7fvlROPg&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMCtcCq83Pk&feature=player_embedded

S'mores Sandwhich Bar Cookies

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter or margarine, softened
3/4 cup sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/3 vups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup ghram cracker crumbs
1 teaspoon powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/3 cups (8-ounce package) hershey's minin milk choclatae cars or 5 Hershey's milk chocolate bars (1.55 ounce each)
3 cups miniture marshmellows

1. heat oven to 350. grease 8-inch square baking pan
2. beat butter and sugar in large bowl until well blended. add egg and vanilla; beat well. Stir together flour, graham cracker crumbs, baking powder and salt; add to butter mixture, beating until blended. PRess half of dough into prepared pan. Bake 15 minitues.
3. Sprinkle mini chocolate bars over baked layer or arrange unwrapped choclate bars over baked layer, breaking as needed to fit. Sprinkle wiht marsmallows; scatter bits of remaining doubh over marshmallows, forming top layer. Bake 10 to 15 minites or just until lightly browned. Cool completely in pan on wire rack. Cut into bars.

Yum!

Edible Bird's Nest

Bird Nest Recipe Ingredients:

4 cups chow mein noodles

1/4 cup butter

2 cups mini marshmallows

non-stick cooking spray

candy eggs





Bird Nest Recipe Instructions:


Coat a 12 cup muffin/cupcake pan with non-stick cooking spray.

In a large pan, melt butter and marshmallows over low heat.

Stir in chow mein noodles until completely coated with marshmallow mixture. This will be similar to rice crispy treats, but not as sticky.

Fill each of the cups in the muffin tin with chow mein noodle mixture, do not overfill.

Spray your hands with non-stick cooking spray and use your hands to gently hollow out the center of each cup, pushing the noodles up the edge of the pan to create a nest.

Cover the muffin pan loosely with plastic wrap and put it in the refrigerator until set, usually about 1/2 hour.

Remove the nests from the pan and carefully place on your serving tray. Loosely cover again with your plastic wrap and return to the refrigerator until completely set.

Once your nests are set, remove them from the refrigerator and let them dry out a little bit. These treats will be much less fragile as they dry and harden.

You are now ready to fill with your candy eggs and serve or place in cellophane bags.

My Easter Eggs 2010

Tegan and Sara

I got free tickets to the Tegan and Sara concert from Jenna Moulton. They were terrific, and I got to meet them!

Missing

I wrote this about Heath. Eh, looking back I feel like I am weird. Not many people write about their cats - even if they are missing. It got more broad as I went on writing it's basically about missing anyone. I seriously had it repeating in my head for about 2 weeks and I kept writing and adding lines the entire time. Can anyone else do that?

I cried tears of salt for you
tears full of salt for you
they burned my eyes
I fell asleep on the false hope that you'd be there when I awoke
It caressed me and told me everything was alright
I oped my eyes wide in the morning
they looked around - in every direction
they searched under tables and behind curtians
but you were nowhere to be found
My heart beats a little faster now

Sometimes I lose my thoughts. They find you and we dance.

Sakari

She's adorable.

If you would come back home...

When I felt like nobody else understood me he was there to comfort me. He was so friendly and loving. I've never connected with a pet so well. I called him my best friend. He slept next to me every night and followed me all everywhere the house. He's missing now. I haven't seen him in 2 days. I miss him very much and hope he comes home.

Post of Pictures from the Lovely Month of March

Here are some pictures from this month thus far:


Chicago


Chicago


Chicago


Chicago


Chicago


Aquapalooza


Ben!


Masculinity X Infinity


Aquapalooza


Megan and I before Aquapalooza.


Me and Grandma Pat at her 50th Anniversary Party.