To my active followers, Megan, Hannah, Kristen:
I do read most, if not all, of your blogs. I like to keep up with what is happening in your lives. I don't always have the time to reply and most often I just don't really know what to reply, I'm so open minded that I don't know what to tell you guys sometimes. Not only that but I see life as a constant ebb and flow, I believe the dark and light times kind of flow together, so if you are trying to get my attention with a certain mood and dark time you are in it's likely that I may not give it the attention that you want me to and not even realize, but I do follow and keep up with what you write. I hope it's not offensive that I don't reply often. I feel hurt if you feel like I don't care. The truth is I am going through a dark time too though, I broke down in tears almost every day last week. Ben and I even came across the conclusion that it would be beneficial for me to start seeing a counselor again. I keep getting upset because I feel like I should be being a better friend but I can barely deal with my life situation right now. I'm going through a monumental change and is tearing me apart. I feel like I should be helping you get through your problems but I cannot deal with my own, not only that but I feel like knowing about what is going on in my life makes you afraid to mention your problems. IF you are specifically trying to address me or really want me to reply to something contact me directly please and I will be much more likely to give you what you want. Not only that but my life is a whirlwind, I am almost always busy during the school year. I barley can find the time to do my homework. I'm still catching up on my math from last week. I have 3 assignments to go.
Please just note that I am probably in one of the darkest times of my life right now. I'm struggling with my family- being pulled between my parents, school- and all the stress it brings, money- not having a job and my parents are broke right now due to all that is going on I've been paying for a lot of my own things, conditioned behavior, living arrangements-moving into a two bedroom apartment for 3 people to live in, food- I've only been eating 1 or 2 meals a day because my dad is new to shopping and I don't have money to eat out, household chores, helping my sister and trying to get her mind off things, along with struggling with, depression, irrational thoughts, thoughts of self harm, denial, anxiety, and decision making. I don't think you can really understand because I try not to break down around you and I butter it up so that you don't have to worry about me sometimes. Ugh! and I hope I haven't made you worry now. I am going to start talking to a counselor, LCCC offers free counseling and Ben already got the information about it for me. Please just know that I am always here and I do care about you even when things get hard for me.
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Even that was a buttered up version, which I'm afraid is a denial of my behavior. :/
ReplyDeleteJosie, I love you very much. I'm so sorry about all that you're going through. I think you've made a good decision to see a counselor because what you're going through is very heavy, I can hardly imagine. I'll be thinking about you! And I know you're there for us too. I hope I haven't done anything to make you think otherwise. If you need anything, let me know
ReplyDeleteJosie Harpole. You're driving me insane.
ReplyDeleteI love you. I value you and you buttering anything up does NOT hide that I know how hard life is for you right now.
One. You're naturally depressed. Two. Your parents are divorcing. I worry about you a lot. And its my job to and you should feel loved that people do. NEVER guilty.
Stop trying to hide it. When are any of us not here for you? Let me come clean your house, woman. I keep telling you that I'll make time to help you and you don't want it.
If I didn't want to be here for you I wouldn't say I was.
The blog I wrote was thanking Kristen and Megan for reaching out to me about a blog that I ASKED for help on. I wrote in that blog: I know you guys are going through a lot of crap, but I need help. That's pretty direct.
So, I was pretty hurt that you weren't there for me when I was freaking out as I'm always attentive to you, but I understand too.
Also, just to clarify, I said you never get on because you said that once. A few months ago. So, I assumed. But it's nice to know you do.
If you need extra help doing something I will help you.
<3
P.S. Sorry if that's too harsh.
ReplyDeleteI still love you no matter what you do. (:
Did you read what I wrote on it though. I read it but I don't think I understood you wanted a reply. I kind of sympathized for your situation from sitting in front of my computer screen and I defiantly didn't mean to hurt you. I wasn't trying to reject you I'm just so used to not knowing what to say and just reading. Like I said if you ever want to hear back from me it's best of send me a message on facebook or something more personal. Blogger is a different world to me where replying isn't always expected.
ReplyDeleteI also read the blog of yours right before I had to leave for class, so I was half worried about getting to school on time and half reading.
I just read the blog addressed to Kristen and Megan and then I realized that you wanted feedback and seemed disappointed that I didn't give it to you- even that took me awhile though because I seriously didn't know that you were expecting my response.
Idk it felt like doing something wrong that I didn't know was wrong. I think it's also confusing to me because most of my blogs are for me not really directed at other people. I actually get embarrassed when I remember other people see them sometimes.
I didn't write this blog to make you guys feel sorry for me. I think I always sound wrong for what I am trying to say. I'm not all sad. I'm very happy right now. I feel like I'm getting a better deal on handling my situations, but last week was rough on me and since then I think seeing a counselor would be good, because of some of the things that surfaced, even though things seem to be better this week.
Lets see what else. I am happy that you are there for me Hannah and I would have been there for you I don't know why it didn't click for me the way it did for Kristen and Megan that you wanted feedback. I just got scared that I had disappointed you without even knowing I did anything wrong.
I wrote back to your reply on that blog. Thanks for writing it.
ReplyDeleteI understand your confusion, so...
Knowing that you're not really into blogger the way Kristen and Megan and I are is helpful. I'll be sure to write you asking what you thought about blogs that I would specifically like your opinion on. I just didn't really know.
Do you want us to think that your life is just going great all the time? That's a lie and it wouldn't be true friendship if we just shrugged anything but happiness from you off our shoulders.
But if you just want to share most of your life with Ben than I think I would understand that okay. I get how that goes in relationships.