Scarring the beautiful ones

My mom told my dad she didn't have feelings for him, and then she moved out. She took my sister, but I'm here staying alone with dad. He's been crying constantly, and when he cries I cry. It's hard not to feel angry at mom when I see how unaffected she acts and how torn apart my dad is. I told him I would stay here with him. I have to take complete care of myself and my dad now. It's rough. He thinks mom had planned out the entire thing. The house was just payed off this month and we've done a ton of home improvements in the last year. Dad tells me that they are going to get divorced and that he can feel it. He said that all their other fights have streamed from mom not having feelings for him. He told me he would have to ask her to hug him and then she did it half heartedly. He said he was sorry that they were not an example of a healthy loving relationship. Before mom left he told her that if she left again they were getting divorced and she's been gone for a few days now. I saw her for a bit last night but barely talked to her. She knows I'm upset with her. I didn't even know anything was wrong until she moved out and it was out of the blue. I woke up one morning and I was going to use her straightener but all of her things were gone from her bathroom. I looked in Jen's room and dad was sitting on the bed talking to her and I knew something was up - even if they were just talking about the pool. Then I called mom and asked if she was doing anything after work and she said she was going to grandmas and that meant something was wrong. I never understood what divorce felt like until now. Other people would talk about it and it seemed bad but I never really understood how much it hurts everyone, and how hopeless it feels to be a victim. This could change my entire life, if they divorce nothing is going to be the same. I can't even stand the thought of my parents being with other people. How do you deal with that. I don't want to be the rope in a tug of war when it comes to seeing my parents.

Last night when I came home dad was talking but I could barley made out his words. He drank all day. Even after I figured out what he was saying it didn't make any sense. He kept asking me to write "Thanks for being a team player" and when I didn't he got mad. Then I started walking down stairs because I didn't feel safe and he stared talking again but I couldn't make out what he was saying so i asked him what he said. He told me he wasn't talking to me but we were the only ones in the house and then he started talking to someone named Julian who wasn't there. I went to the basement and talked to ben on the phone when I came back up he was asleep sitting up on the couch. I went in the kitchen and everything from under out sink was spread out on the floor, including 3 bottles of alcohol. There were eggs left out on the counter. I picked up the eggs and got a pillow and blanket and but it on the couch for my dad.

He gets sad and he cries and he holds me and I hold him and our tears soak up in each others skin.