Life on Mars?

The cure for the pain is in the pain

I am absolutely tired of the words "stand strong". No one has a clue what I am dealing with and I pray they never will. Not only that I feel like they say it because they feel like they are supposed to. I don't think anyone really even knows that that means. I am dealing with a huge amount of traumatic experiences. Theres the divorce, my mom's affair with a guy she continues to talk to, worry that my dad won't find a place to live, the stress of doing things around the house and caring for my sister, and finding out about my dad having hurt my mom. There is no stranding strong. Those are not words of wisdom for me they are words that only add to my stress. I break down all the time, I would lose my mind if I didn't. How is crying almost everyday for standing strong? How is not hanging out with my friends because I'm crying for standing strong? Crying is the only thing that helps. It makes me mad to think that people don't want me crying. When I think of what people want me to do when they say stand strong I feel like it would be a holding in all the hurt and emotion I am feeling. I would never get over any of it if I stood strong. I have to feel the hurt, I have to let myself feel the hurt. If I ever want to get over the situation I have to accept it.

"The cure for the pain is in the pain so that is where you'll find me."

Repressed memories.

Everyone gets imagery in their heads, like little day dreams. Sometimes I get really disturbing imagery. I get this image of my mom on your kitchen floor curled up in pain that pops up every now and then. She tells me she needs me to get the phone and I run down our hallway. I never wanted to tell anyone because I thought I made it up, but I didn't make it up, i just made myself forget it was real.

My whole life I've been unaware that it actually happened. My aunt set me a message telling me that I shouldn't be mad at my mom about the divorce thing and that I needed to remember the time when I was 5 years old and Jen was a baby and we came to her house. I had no clue what she was talking about but the imagery popped up again. I was sitting next to Ben when I read my aunt's message and I told him about the imagery because I knew he wouldn't be freaked out and I told him how I thought it might be what Mel was talking about but I didn't understand.

Later that week my mom talked to be about the divorce and explained what happened. Most of my childhood my dad had a huge alcohol problem. That part wasn't a surprise, I can remember us leaving the house and him throwing huge temper tantrums where he broke things and threw things at my mom. My mom told me one night he pushed her down our basement stairs. Then they were arguing in the kitchen where broken things were all over the floor including broken baby food jars that had been laying around because my sister was just a baby at the time. My dad pushed my mom and she fell on the broken jars. The jagged pieces of jar cut her ankle very badly, through the tendons, all the way to her bone. She was bleeding horribly but she had me call my aunt mel to tell her that we were coming to her house because we were not safe. Then she got up and hoped around and got me and jen into the car and took us to our aunts house. She had to go the emergency room after that. When the people there asked what happened she told them and they had to file a police report on my dad. She's since been with my dad for 15 years but she could never bring herself to forgive him. She showed me the scar on her ankle. I knew the scar and I've seen it many times. I can remember asking her how she got it when I was young - having totally forgotten then event - and she told me it was from our old dog.

I feel scared that I've made myself forget other things. I can't believe i completely pushed that whole event out of my memory. I think I understand some of my really harsh feelings for my dad a little better now that I know.

I've been dealing with more than I've ever dealt with lately. It's taken it's toll on me I feel stressed and grouchy and like a person I don't want to be. I hate that I keep canceling plans with my friends especially the ones that will be gone away to college soon, but hanging out with people is hard I get so stressed out taking care of everything around the house and last night I couldn't go to the movie night I wanted to go to because Ben showed up at my house and the second I saw him I started crying really hard because I knew I was going through too much to just show up at the movie night and pretend that everything was okay. I constantly worry that my friends won't understand why I can't hang out with them and they will start to get angry at me. Some of them don't text me back when I have to cancel plans at the last minute and it hurts to wonder if they are upset with me. If I could please them I would but my life has become too complicated. Everything turned upside down.

I'm stuck right in the middle of the divorce i hear everything from both sides. My head cannot process it all. I feel like I'm being lied to by my parents all kinds of things. I have no idea how far my mom's relationship with this other guy has gone. I have no idea how to feel about my mother or my father. It's hard taking care of everything around the house and trying to take care of my sister and support both of my parents emotionally. I have to set apart time to see my own mom because she doesn't live with me anymore. I've barley seen her in the past month. I have to worry about money and I've already start spending money I wanted to save just to take care of myself and my family. I don't feel like I'm ready for a job either because I'm about to start my first semester of college with more than a full time load of classes because I have to take a whole extra class to get free books so that I don't have to ask my parents for any more money than I have to.
On the plus side a have a job as a journalist/photo journalist for The Bridge (the Lewis and Clark newspaper) that I think is pretty much mine. I'll get paid for that and I'm sure I will enjoy it and also I'm taking senior pictures for Joe with Megan so hopefully I will have a little cash.

I just hope everything works out okay.

Drug Through Hell

And just when I start accepting the fact that my parents are getting divorced. A woman shows up at our door asking for dad. Jen over hears her talking about pictures of mom. Dad comes back inside and I ask what is going on and he said mom was having an affair. My heart sank. I couldn't contain my anxiety I shook and called Ben and then Megan and neither of them answered. The lady told my dad she was at her ex-husband's house right then. Me, my sister, and my dad drive over to the address she gave us. Sure enough there is mom's car. We knock on the door. Dad yells "Misty, your kids want to see you." I heard mom yell from inside. I kept knocking and knock pounding on the guys door. I can see the door budge in a little with every hit and I just keep pounding harder and harder, but dad tells me to stop. So I cease. Then mom comes out. She wasn't even crying or anything and she kept saying "that's is not what it is" I'll never forget her face. I yelled at her. My sister starts crying. My dad is beyond disappointed he yells at her and calls her a slut and a whore as we get back in the car. We get back home and I call her multiple time just yelling and bashing. I lash out. I honestly yelled at her more than my dad, I see him cry all the time because she wants to divorce him and now we know why. If that isn't enough I go back inside and I get a sudden realization. A few nights before we went out to eat and there was a guy there mom acting like she hadn't seen him since high school and then he tells us he is a truck driver and mom ask the quickest way to the zoo because we are going there the next day and he tells us to just follow him and he'll take his son. I thought it was all kind of weird. So I remember that guy's name is Tom and I ask dad what the guy's name mom was seeing was and he replies "Tom Sumpter" so I blurt out everything that happened and apologize for not telling him because I didn't think anything of it really. My mom actually had this guy meet her when we went out to eat. It was entirely planned and she lied to us the entire time. Dad pulled out her yearbook and sure enough Tom Sumpter was waiting in there, looking the same as he does now. I called her and yelled more. I've been sending mean things to her for days now. Yesterday she started crying on the phone with me. I cried on my bed and my dad came in. He asked what happened and I told him mom got mad at me and cried on the phone and he held me and told me she was only feeling guilty and that I didn't do anything wrong. Eh and the day it happened I posted it on facebook, because I wanted her to be embarrassed I wanted other people to know all of the pain she put me, her own daughter, through. I still don't feel that bad about that either, but I deleted it because she told me to. If she couldn't live with the guilt then why did she do it? She told my dad me posting stuff on there really hurt her character, but none of what I posted was a lie. She just won't own up to what she did. I woke up yesterday and my computer was out of my room I went to the kitchen and found it and asked dad if he used it and he said that he had and that he needed me to get some stuff off of it. He had got on my facebook page and sent mom another post on her wall from my name saying "My mom's a slut. We caught her at her boyfriend's house." Before I got to delete it mom saw it. I still haven't told her that was dad. I'm pretty sure that my mom continues to lie to me about the whole story. I think she may even be in denial. But she hurt me, and I'm still angry with her and I still have not forgiven her. The wounds are still fresh and they still burn like hell. I can't stand the thought of her or this man. Apparently she talked to him on facebook too, and he clearly knew she was married. I feel like my heart is black and full of hatred right now. I have to see her tonight and listen to what she wants to tell me, but she has no idea of the pain she's put me through. How much I cannot stand her right now. Talking to her will make the wounds bleed fresh, and I feel like she's already put me through enough.

Where I've been

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If you would come back home

Scarring the beautiful ones

My mom told my dad she didn't have feelings for him, and then she moved out. She took my sister, but I'm here staying alone with dad. He's been crying constantly, and when he cries I cry. It's hard not to feel angry at mom when I see how unaffected she acts and how torn apart my dad is. I told him I would stay here with him. I have to take complete care of myself and my dad now. It's rough. He thinks mom had planned out the entire thing. The house was just payed off this month and we've done a ton of home improvements in the last year. Dad tells me that they are going to get divorced and that he can feel it. He said that all their other fights have streamed from mom not having feelings for him. He told me he would have to ask her to hug him and then she did it half heartedly. He said he was sorry that they were not an example of a healthy loving relationship. Before mom left he told her that if she left again they were getting divorced and she's been gone for a few days now. I saw her for a bit last night but barely talked to her. She knows I'm upset with her. I didn't even know anything was wrong until she moved out and it was out of the blue. I woke up one morning and I was going to use her straightener but all of her things were gone from her bathroom. I looked in Jen's room and dad was sitting on the bed talking to her and I knew something was up - even if they were just talking about the pool. Then I called mom and asked if she was doing anything after work and she said she was going to grandmas and that meant something was wrong. I never understood what divorce felt like until now. Other people would talk about it and it seemed bad but I never really understood how much it hurts everyone, and how hopeless it feels to be a victim. This could change my entire life, if they divorce nothing is going to be the same. I can't even stand the thought of my parents being with other people. How do you deal with that. I don't want to be the rope in a tug of war when it comes to seeing my parents.

Last night when I came home dad was talking but I could barley made out his words. He drank all day. Even after I figured out what he was saying it didn't make any sense. He kept asking me to write "Thanks for being a team player" and when I didn't he got mad. Then I started walking down stairs because I didn't feel safe and he stared talking again but I couldn't make out what he was saying so i asked him what he said. He told me he wasn't talking to me but we were the only ones in the house and then he started talking to someone named Julian who wasn't there. I went to the basement and talked to ben on the phone when I came back up he was asleep sitting up on the couch. I went in the kitchen and everything from under out sink was spread out on the floor, including 3 bottles of alcohol. There were eggs left out on the counter. I picked up the eggs and got a pillow and blanket and but it on the couch for my dad.

He gets sad and he cries and he holds me and I hold him and our tears soak up in each others skin.